Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
