Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
