I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
