Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
