What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
