Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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