When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
