I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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