Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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