and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
