Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The Olympian is in my bed
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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