I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
