Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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