I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
