White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
