he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize