gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Terrible idea I love it
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
