I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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