He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
