Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
