And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
