Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
