Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
