the condom got lost in my hair
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Randomize
