I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
