you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
