the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
