Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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