You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
