dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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