Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
