Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
