Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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