I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
