is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
He felt like a one man threesome
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
