He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
