this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
