I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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