yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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