chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
