i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The air was thick with penises
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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