I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
