they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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