I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Randomize
