She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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