also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
