Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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