I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
