im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize