I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
