At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
