Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
