Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
