I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
