Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
