How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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